My report card came in the mail the same day the Ben & Jerry’s from across the street closed down, and while I know it would be foolish to think I caused anything to happen, it is always fun to dream. Within the realm of your own mind, you can make believe the most absurd situations, and play around with the rules of logic, just for the sake of it — for instance, a man staring at his cell phone and screaming, “Did you see his grades? We much close down! For the children, god sakes man, we must close down!”
There are three employees staring frightfully at their boss, two of whom are raising their hands to their open mouths in apprehension. Sally needs the job to pay the rent. So does Thomas. Gregory, on the other hand, a high school student, is on the job merely to make some extra cash to spend lavishly on his girlfriend. But Sally and Thomas are now thinking about what they will do. Thomas has a father who owns a general store, and though it would deeply shame him to go back working with his dad, he is seeing no other choice. Sally is staring at her nails. You could always tell how stressed she was based on the length of them. Today, they are short and jagged. She told herself a week ago she would stop biting them for good. “So long to that resolution,” she murmurs quietly to herself.
Richard continues, “I never would have thought in a million years he would get such poor grades, Jim. Did you? Yeah, neither did I. In elementary school and middle school, he had such great promise, such talent, such potential. But now he’s really done himself over with this one. It’s a shame, it really is.”
Gregory is staring at his watch, tapping his foot rapidly. He has a date with Jen tonight, and he knows he has to take a shower beforehand or he’ll smell like a parody of sugar. He is debating with himself what kind of flowers to get Jen. No one dislikes roses, but roses are too normal, and they say, ‘I don’t know anything about you, so I’m going to give you the most uninspired type of flowers I can possibly think of.’ Perhaps chrysanthemums would be best. But then again, not getting roses would mean her knowing that a lot of thought was put into not getting roses, which would be creepy to her. Roses, then. Definitely roses. A first date is meant to be a get-to-know-each-other sort of deal, anyway.
Thomas is staring at Sally. She seems distressed.
“And it’s not like he doesn’t have the brains to get all ‘A’s either,” Richard continues. “He’s a smart kid, who just got lazy. He got addicted to video games, his parents tell me. He’d play them day and night, some nights never even going to sleep. Yeah, Jim, for real. I don’t know why. You should ask him.”
Sally notices Thomas staring at her. Does he like her? She continues pretending she doesn’t notice him staring. A tear is forming on her left eye. She wipes it off with the sleeve of her shirt. She thinks a more important question is if she likes him. Certainly he has a country boy quality to him that she likes. He is always such a gentleman. And the stubble on his chin always did make her feel fluttery.
“Jim, why you got to ask me so many dumb questions?” Richard is continuing. “How the hell am I supposed to know what games he was playing. Oh, don’t give me that. Jim, how long we known each other? That’s right, and you know I don’t like stupid questions. But back to the topic of John.”
Gregory widens his eyes. Why is Sally kissing Thomas? What the hell? Why is Thomas now kissing Sally back? This doesn’t make any sense.
“But it does,” I tell Gregory.
“Wait, what? Who are you?
“I am your God,” I say giggling slightly. “Now, take the hatchet and kill Richard. Do it. Do it now.”
